Destination

Sepertinya gw sudah menentukan tujuan gw kuliah..

Setelah banyak mempertimbangkan, gw sampai pada keputusan untuk memilih Singapore..
I've come to my final decision as I followed today's presentation about studying in Germany from one of the alumni.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. As much as I want to lay back and live in my own bubble, I know it's already the time for me to think of this seriously.
Maybe because I know that my choice now will determine my future and I don't want to suffer the consequences of immature thoughts or underestimating this matter.
Some of you might have felt the misery of unserious attitude about making choices or just going with the current flow.

Or maybe because a lot of people have already voiced their concern about this, especially KokoA. XDD He said that it's best for me to go to Europe. Either Germany or England. Well yeah, I realize that for the best individual development, those are the best chioce you have, for it will help you maturing your point of view and make you the most independent you can be. That's why it was my priority choice. Asked me 3 months ago then I will definitely answer that I want to study in Germany.

But then, around three months ago my parents have talked to me about this.
Both of them are the type who don't force their children about their choice of path, but they always watch about it closely and give their opinion when it's needed.

Bahkan di saat pemilihan jurusan, rasa2nya pembicaraan gw ma mereka ttg jurusan gak lebih dari 5 kalimat. Nyokap gw bahkan ga nanya apa2 ttg jurusan yg gw mau, sedangkan bokap gw cuma nanya "Mau masuk mana?". Waktu awal2 gw masih bimbang antara IPA dan IPS, bokap gw cuma komentar "Oh, tapi kayaknya Rani lebih cocok ke IPA".
Kedua kakak saya datang dari latar belakang jurusan yang berbeda, Kokoa IPS, sedangkan Kobe IPA. Jadi mereka ga ada masalah gw mau masuk mana.. Jadi ya ketika bokap gw nanya lagi, dan gw udah mantap 100% milih IPA, bokap gw cuma bilang "Oh".
(kecuali kalo tiba2 gw banting setir mau masuk bahasa sih mereka pasti akan menentang keras, secara gw ga pernah bisa betah belajar 1 bahasa, tapi hal itu kan ga mungkin karena gw sendiri tau gw bukan orang yang diberkahi kemampuan linguistik seperti nyokap gw yg bisa lancar ngomong 3 bahasa dan masih bisa sedikit menguasai Jerman dan Perancis)

No matter how much I strongly resent some things my dad does, he is a wise man I know. That's why his company managed to become so big, even reaching big projects such as fixing the pump in presidential palace and repairing the Soekarno-Hatta airport's runway. I respected him because of that.
So, he told me the story of how he managed to study in Germany for seven freaking years. Germany was like the best place for education in his era (around late 60s as some of you must have known my dad was borned in 1950), so it was his determination to study there in order to achieve the best.
(dan gw sangat amaze bahwa dari sekian banyak orang Indo yg ke Jerman, dia mungkin adalah satu di antara 0,01% orang yang berhasil langsung masuk ke universitas tanpa melewati studen kolleg karena berhasil mendapatkan nilai verstellung prüfung -semacam ujian masuk universitas Jerman yang katanya susah tanpa studen kolleg- cemerlang)

It was hard to study there he said, especially in term of language. In the first three months, he practically only slept for 3 hours a day since he had to part time between studying for the entrance exam, taking German language course, working in part time job, and going back and forth to the universities and other places.

But he said that the condition now isn't the same anymore. He directly pointed Singapore as one of the place who now own some of the best universities in the world, and that its first language basis is english with high level of securities. It is very clear hat it's easier to study there. It is also near to Jakarta, so if anything happens, I can ask for help faster. Perhaps now between Singapore and Germany in term of education, there's not much difference. Studying in Germany is hard, and you need 100% determination to study there. You can't play around if you want to seriously study there. Language is also one important matter. German is hard to study, I've experienced it myself, so you have to study it seriously. And as college is probably the best time to improve your language, perhaps it's better if you take a country with english as its first language.
The security there is also not as good as Singapore, even though it still has a low crime record. And it was so far away, so if something happen, I have to go on my way. I will have to be independent, and struggle for anything myself as studying there is hard because I will practically be alone there.

He said to me then "Apakah Rani merasa mampu untuk melakukan itu semua, yang tahu ya Rani. Jadi pilihan sekarang ada di tangan Rani. Tapi coba pikirin aja baik2. Banyak hal yang mungkin patut dipertimbangkan karena sekarang ini Jerman mungkin bukan pilihan yang paling ideal."

His words put me to a lot of thinking. Do I only try to reach something beyond my own capibility all this time? So today I decided to follow a presetation about studying in Germany. From there, I can get that until now, studying there is still anything but easy. You have to be very convince as strong as steel can be with high self motivation. It's best if you have already prepared from 10th grade. So I was practically one step behind already.

And I've come to a conclusion... that I'm still not ready for that kind of requirement. I won't be ready to be so far apart from anything I have here. So now, I know it's time for me to let go of my dream to study abroad to Europe. Perhaps five or six years from now, I can go there to take my S2 course. But not now.

I don't know why I cried when I write this. Maybe because I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. And maybe because letting go of something that I've been quite determine about for a few years now is not easy. Letting go of this is the same as letting go thousands chances and experiences I know I can get from there and I've been imagining about if I really go there.
Because I'm not the type to just follow something without me knowing what's really behind it. Maybe it's easier that way to just follow whatever some one suggested to me or going with the current flow, for example my mother who told me to go to Australia or ITB for closer distance. I won't do it only because I don't know anywhere else to go or afraid to take risk, and just go without really knowing what's in it and why I should go there. No, I have my own expectation and desire. But I've been a fool for something I now realize I'm not.
Perhaps I cried realizing I don't have what it takes to fulfill my dream.

But it's my time to be realistic. So I know now, I won't go anywhere acrossing Europe, except if I get the chance to get a scholarship to England. I want to try Cambridge scholarship, actually, but it's a pity that the interview is the same time as Biology presentation.

Singapore now is my first priority I guess, followed by America and Hong Kong Univ (still searching about it).
About singlish, I'm not really worried about it. Because everything depends on what you want to be. If you don't want to be affected by using your english in the right way then it shall be that way. Banyak orang bilang kalau ke Singapura, kamu akan menjadi Singlish. Tapi itu sama aja kalo lo ngomong, kalo masuk IPS kamu akan mendapatkan lebih sedikit kesempatan untuk sukses (kata orang, which I strongly disagree). Tapi apakah dengan masuk IPA orang benar2 belajar sesuatu untuk menjadi sukses atau cuma mengikuti arus dengan menjalankan kewajiban semua tergantung dari diri sendiri.

Take something positive here, at least now I can focus on searching scholarship to NTU or NUS..