What You Are Incapable Of

Hey everyone.

It's been a long time since I wrote here.

So for you who don't know, this blog somehow has been found by the entire PINUS community (well, at least a lot of them haha). It's my fault for not setting the privacy properly haha, no one's fault really. That's one of the reason why I never wrote here for such a long time. Another reason is that so much has happened that I didn't know where to start telling. So I end up not writing at all lol.

Well, in any case, this blog has been my sanctuary for such a long time, and at the moment, I really need to write, to take out the thought that is bothering me, or I might go crazy. So this is a piece of my mind.

Nobody is perfect.

Incapability is something that we all have.

Even a person that looks "perfect", there will be one or two flaws that just make him or her not-so-perfect.

I know what I am capable and not capable of.

For things I am not capable of, I will try to overcome them.

Hey, a couple of years ago, I was that girl that didn't even know what the heck is Photoshop.

And here I am, today, standing as the head of NUANSA'13 Creative & Advertising.

Not saying that I am a pro now, still far from it. But yeah, you get the idea.

But sometimes, there are just things that you cannot overcome.

The things that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you just cannot be good at.

And recently, I realized that perhaps... I'm not capable of doing that.

For a background story, just a few months ago, I faced a hard dilemma, a yes or no question.

I was faced with an option that I had to make in such a short time.

In my head, I knew what I had to answer.

I knew it's just not the right time.

But my heart just couldn't let it go so easily.

All the people that I asked said that I should really consider it.

Say yes, they said.

But I was still full with doubt.

Will it be okay? Will it be for the better?

Until a good friend of mine told me a very good point, that I just had to agree.

So maybe for the first time in my life, I acted purely based on my emotion in taking such an important decision.

I didn't care about all the calculation, all the thoughts.

In the end, I said yes.

No, I'm not here to write that I regret my decision.

I never regret anything. Everything is there, everything happens for a reason.

(maybe I did ask myself once or twice, will it be better if I say no instead)

But what I want to write is that how that faithful decision I made turns out to change a lot of things.

It made me realize what I am incapable of, that severe flaw I have, deep inside me.

In my conscience, I may have realize this.

But never in my life before... this thing came so apparent like right now.

Maybe...

I'm just incapable in loving someone.

And that, I realized, is hurting others, especially those who truly care about me.

And in turn, it hurt me too.

Just now, I found out something that pain me so much.

A disappointment...

Wow... I never thought that single sentence could make me feel so devastated.

The worst thing is... I've tried my best to fix things.

But sometimes, your best is just not enough.

I know, in my rationale mind, that this is just another phase in life.

Eventually, everything will subside, and it will not matter that much in the future.

But the pain is there... and it's very apparent than ever.

After such a long time...